My Journey to Faith as a Trans Woman

With it being Easter weekend, I thought what better time to discuss how my husband and I came to build our faith and affirm ourselves within the United Church of Canada, even though we both identify as part of the LGBTQ2SI+ community. Before we get started, let me just make it abundantly clear that our view of Christianity is strongly on the liberal side, and the faith community we have become a part of is one of acceptance and inclusion for all people, regardless of background - including those with different belief systems. So nowhere in this will you see me bash another faith, try to say that my viewpoint is superior to anyone else's, or that you must believe in God or you will go to H-E-Double Hockey Sticks (a.k.a. Hell).

Personally, I believe that God presented themself to different groups of people at different times, in different ways, to meet the people where they were at and to address their unique needs. This is how I envision different belief systems around the world came to be. Now you will notice so far I have been using the word "faith" or "belief system" as opposed to "religion". There is a reason for this.

In today's society, and for good reason, the word religion has a strong negative association to it, as it has long been linked to oppression, war, discrimination, etc. The word faith on the other hand is much more palatable, and brings you back to the root of what religion was meant to be. It wasn't meant to be patriarchal constructs where powerful men use it as a basis to demonstrate their superiority or to impose ways of living on others. It wasn't mean to be used as a reason to go to war, commit acts of terrorism or single out and demonize a specific group of people. The basis of all religion is faith. Faith in a higher power. Faith in a larger meaning of life. Faith in the goodness of humanity, and sometimes even faith in divine intervention. Faith is not the reasoning for all the heartache some religions have caused, the reason for this is the misguided interpretations, fear, and self-serving decisions of humans throughout history.

Now to really understand the full story of our journey, I will have to bring you all the way back to my childhood. I grew up in a Roman Catholic household, attended church every Sunday with my mother, and went to Catholic school throughout my elementary years. You can imagine the beliefs this instilled in me growing up, that combined with growing up in a small Northern Ontario mining town it was easy to see how being gay let alone trans were never going to be acceptable parts of my life.

I can remember this sense of shame going all the way back to Grade 1. I had this crush on a Grade 2 boy named Luc. Even at that young age, I knew it was not something that was acceptable. I tried telling my mom once about Luc. She asked various questions like whether or not I wanted to "kiss him" but at that age of course I said no because I really didn't yet understand the appeal of kissing in general. Ultimately the conversation ended with an attempt to convince me I was not gay. Through no fault of my mother, this was 1994ish and being gay wasn't something many people had awareness to yet, at least not where I grew up.

At this young age, my attraction to boys was not the only thing I knew of that made me different from everyone else. Up to this point I would also dress in tutus, figure skating dresses, wigs, and even my mom's high heels. While it was looked at as endearing or cute when I was younger, the older I got the less accepting this became, and the more I started to hide this side of myself. Eventually I completely stopped dressing up, I redirected my attention to toys but always making a female my main character in the stories I made up. From there when I would play pretend on my own, I would usually hide myself in a part of the house where no one else would see me, again always taking on a female character. Eventually growing out of playing pretend, I graduated to putting on headphones and lip syncing in my room to Kelly Clarkson, Christina Aguilera, Shania Twain, and of course Cher. All this time hoping that one day I would just wake up as the beautiful girl I saw myself as, to fall in love with the man of my dreams.

Eventually I did stop going to church, except during special holiday services. I complete shut myself off from God, while still trying so hard to live the life I was expected to lead. I got so good at hiding who I truly was, I was even able to convince myself temporarily that I could survive in a heterosexual relationship. I fell in love in high school, even proposing in Grade 12 to my girlfriend at the time. That relationship continued until half way through first year University when I finally told the world I was gay. As you can imagine, it did not initially go over all too well. People were hurt, and not everyone was immediately accepting. My mother in particular struggled with it due to her own upbringing. But I also didn't make it easy on her.

It was during this time that I let the depression I had been experiencing since I was 16 get the better of me, and I fell deep into the depths of addiction. The amount of drugs I would do in one night, the people I would go home with, the situations I put myself in.... looking back at it now, I should never have survived. Being able to make it through this and come out stronger on the other side, I had to have had some sort of divine intervention along the way. I truly believe that.

During this period of addiction, I began working at a Christian day care centre. Don't worry, the kids were always safe and I did not go to work high. But hungover and strung out? Yes, many times. I was what you would call a functioning addict, and hid it fairly well. It was here that I had my first reintroduction to my faith. The day care program supervisor, Rose, was a woman so deeply held within her faith in God, she always treated others with upmost respect, it was inspiring. Even after learning that I was gay, Rose never once made me feel shame or anything other than just love. We would even talk about my love life in the break room. I definitely owe the beginning of my journey to faith to her. Thank you Rose <3

Now I cannot talk about my time at this day care without also talking about a woman I worked closely with there too, Josie. She was another woman who had a strong belief system, but so seamlessly had it integrated into her everyday life that it gave me my first glance at what I really wanted my life to look like. It pushed me to start reevaluating where I was, and make some changes to get to where I wanted to be. Thank you Josie <3

During these years at the day care centre, I was also starting to fix my relationship with my mother. I had written a paper for school about the "process of coming out" and how it is not just a one time thing, but also a daily occurrence whenever you meet someone new. I made some references to concerns over safety and discrimination, and it was here that my mom started seeing things from a new viewpoint. Her acceptance and inclusion for the LGBTQ2SI+ community grew while she still maintained her faith in God as well. Now, my mom is my biggest supporter and I love her dearly. She has played a major role in shaping who I am as a person today.

It was at this time when I was finally coming out of the depths of my addiction, that I met my future husband, Joshua. A biblical name, to go with my own at the time (Adam). You can read into that what you want... but looking back now, this again screams divine intervention for me. Joshua really became my anchor in life from this point on. My world and soul just seemed tethered to his in some strange way.

After 2 years Joshua proposed and we got married almost immediately. While not outwardly obvious, he always had faith in God and it shined through periodically. During our wedding planning, Joshua insisted on having a Christian undertone to the ceremony. He is an old soul at heart and loves traditional things, so this was really important to him. After a couple years of marriage, periodic struggles due my own insecurities and mental health, I finally came our as trans. To say this was a shock for Joshua, would be an understatement. But being the gentleman that he is, he handled it with honour and never once waivered in his support for me to be happy. Sure at first we didn't know what this meant for our marriage, but he assured me that we would always be in each other's lives in some way.

It wasn't long after that, 6 months actually, that I fully transitioned and began living my life as Addison. Within 2 weeks, my husband was deployed with the military for 6 months, after just coming back from a 3 month deployment. Going through the start of my journey into womanhood on my own, was actually a blessing in disguise. It allowed me to find who I was, who I wanted to be, without worry of an audience. But it did also present it's own set of unique challenges... My husband was going to come home to a completely different partner. I had prepared myself for the worst, so much so that I convinced myself the marriage was already over. I pushed and pushed, trying to give Joshua a free pass to end things. But again, he never waivered. I remember one day in the car on our way home after he picked me up from work and I was picking a fight, he called me out on it. He said something along the lines of, "Listen. We made vows. And frankly I'm kind of upset that you are suggesting we break them". I was dumbstruck, speechless. It was in this moment that I knew he wasn't going anywhere. Though I felt like an idiot for not realizing this sooner, I knew this moment had to happen for me to accept it. Sure our marriage hasn't been without struggle since, but we have made it through. We are, in every sense of the word, soulmates. And knowing that, how could I not believe in divine intervention?

After this "aha" moment I had, it was here that I made the suggestion for us to try attending church together. I had found an accepting congregation in the area, Gordon United Church. Our first time going, we had no idea what to expect. When we first walked in, it was clear this was an aging community, and we were by far the youngest in attendance at the time. Of course my biases and deeply ingrained defenses all kicked in, but they were not needed in the slightest. We were welcomed immediately with kind smiles, genuinely interested questions about who we were, and everything else we could have asked for and more. This congregation just exuded joy and faith, and I knew that they had been truly blessed and was exactly what we needed in our own lives.

Together, Joshua and I went to church every Sunday we could. I even went on days he couldn't. The relationships we built there will last a lifetime, we truly felt at home. We became increasingly involved in the church community, helping at various functions and even joining committees and the church council. People slowly learned about myself being trans, but we never really discussed it. It's not that it was taboo to talk about, but completely on the contrary. It was simply not a factor that anyone was concerned about. They just saw me for me. There was a point when I wasn't exactly sure who knew what, so I still had my defenses up a little bit, as they are so hard to let down completely when the unknown is involved. But with seeing how accepting and inclusive the congregation was, I decided to spear head the start of the Affirming process, which within the United Church is a period of education and discernment, in order to become "officially" accepting and inclusive to the LGBTQ2SI+ community. Though Gordon United was already doing so in practice, the United Church of Canada still requires congregations to go through this process to help create the best possible environment for those who may be hesitant to join a faith community out of fear of discrimination. After completion of this process, the church can officially call itself an affirming congregation.

To kick things off and introduce this idea to everyone, I stood up in front of the whole congregation one Sunday and told my story, not hiding any of the dark parts. Standing up there in front of everyone, the acceptance and love shining through all of their faces, I couldn't hold back the tears. By the end of my speech, I had a standing ovation (you are not really supposed to clap during a church service) and there wasn't a dry eye in the seats. To say I have never felt more truly seen and accepted, would be an understatement. This is what I have been missing from my life for so long.

Joshua and I felt so strongly about our relationship to this congregation and the faith we had discovered here, that when we found out we were being posted back to Ontario we knew we had to first renew our vows in front of our faith community and God. We had grown and changed so much in the past 7 years, that we wanted to make the commitments of marriage to one another as the people we were now. It was a beautiful yet simple ceremony, and it's where the pictures in this post are from (shout out to Teresa our dear friend and photographer <3).

2 Year's have now past, and while we are still on the search for a new community of faith, our faith in God has never waivered. God has been with us through these past couple years of the pandemic, and will continue to be with us as we move through life, enter new chapters, and overcome new challenges. Our faith is so strong now, that Joshua will eventually be starting a journey towards ministry. It wont be an easy one, and he will have to balance working full-time in the military while he does it, but he will do it however long it takes him. And each and every day, I will thank God for the great love which has been given to me, my amazingly accepting family, and for the experiences and opportunities to love others that are placed in front of me.