I Put Together My Broken

As a white, upper-middle class, 'passing' transsexual woman I have unique privileges that many others within the trans community do not. I have never and will never experience racism, my financial status is relatively stable, I have been able to undergo certain gender affirming procedures, I have reliable access to healthcare, I am happily married, and I can easily blend into mainstream society without being clocked as trans. These privileges have helped me to feel secure in my place in society without fear of frequent discrimination, homelessness or loss of healthcare. While a few of these privileges were not earned as a person is simply born into them, several others were earned and it was not without struggle. I worked my ass off to get to where I am now.

Within most marginalized communities, the topic of who has what privilege often comes up. While it is important to recognize one's own privilege and to use that privilege to the best of your ability for the betterment of society whenever possible, this conversation often carries an undertone of assigning blame to those simply because they have privilege. This leads to individuals feeling ostracized from the communities they belong to, as those with less privilege will claim that the opinions and views of those with privilege are less valid and shouldn't carry as much weight as their own. Obviously I am not talking about when those opinions are dehumanizing, discriminatory or ignorant, that is a separate issue. What is often left out of the conversation, however, is that even those with certain privileges have struggles just like everyone else, and you can never truly know another persons experiences.

Pride 2007 - My First Toronto Pride

I grew up in a loving middle-class household, but there were some pieces of my childhood that left scars resulting in some maladaptive coping mechanisms down the road into my early adulthood. I was witness to some very unhealthy relationships, early on I developed the overwhelming need to be a people pleaser resulting in struggles with anxiety, I hid my sexuality and subsequently my gender identity resulting in severe depression, I was taken advantage of by adult men online around 13, I became a caregiver to my grandfather during his final months of life before he was hospitalized when I was only 18, I began battling addiction at the age of 19, was date raped at my first ever Toronto Pride, and within the months following had a complete nervous breakdown resulting in an attempt to take my own life. These are just some of the highlights.

My sharing of these events is in no way an attempt to gain sympathy, but rather an understanding that even though someone may be privileged in many ways, life still has its challenges and some of those challenges result in life long battles. In fact, for someone such as myself, these events are the hurdles I had to overcome to gain many of the privileges I have today.

When I moved out of my family home, I was starting at ground zero. While my parents were a safety net to support with groceries or rent when I needed it, I had to take out student loan after student loan to pay for my schooling and living expenses. In addition to that, in my second year of University (after failing first year) I had to start working nearly full-time hours, balancing multiple jobs while taking a full course load. At one point I remember working 3 jobs and would go as long as 45 days straight without a single day off, and when I got that day off I needed to spend it on course work. Despite this, I still graduated with honours and came out of school with at least $60k of debt. It has only been in very recent years that my husband and I have found financial stability after he has dedicated years of service to the Canadian Armed Forces and I worked my way up the ranks within my current agency after putting in several years of dedicated front-line work with previous employers.

Having the privilege of being a married trans woman, means that I do not need to navigate the war zone that is dating while trans. Again though, this did not come without my own fight. My husband and I met when I was still identifying as a man, and we experienced some tumultuous episodes early on in our relationship. We moved in together rather quickly, then broke up, got back together, broke up, got back together… These break ups were not just split decisions and that classic on again off again type of relationship. They were the result of some significant events that we both needed time to process and decide to overcome together. After getting married (2.5 years into our relationship), my husband entered into the military which resulted in a move across the country to a place where we knew no one. No friends, family, or professional networks for my own career path. Within the first year of the move, I came out as trans.

Needless to say my announcement of being trans came as a shock to my husband. This was a major hurdle that we needed to overcome as a couple, and it wasn't easy. It wasn't as simple as me just telling him I was trans and him accepting it. Of course he was supportive, but we did not know how this would change our marriage or if there would still be a marriage. We fought from time to time, I completely took physical intimacy off the table as I detested my transitioning body and gave him a 'hall pass' which resulted in my own internal battles down the road trying to reconcile with that when we realized that we wanted a monogamous relationship together, and then had to manage everyone else's expectations of what my transness would mean for our marriage. But given all of this, we were a team, we held each other up in the darkest times, and made it through to where we are today.

When I did transition, I was managing an out-of-school care program for school-age children and had to transition publicly in front of them. Early on I was clearly not 'passing', so it garnered a lot of looks, comments, and questions from the kids as well as the public in general. Passing, however, was a goal of mine and I don't feel bad for that. As a transsexual woman I identify within the binary and as such the ultimate goal is to present as the opposite sex. This took a lot of effort. I sunk hours and a lot of money (while not having much to begin with) into learning make-up techniques, I got extensions, I had to buy a full new wardrobe, I learned to adjust my mannerisms, I adjusted my eating and fitness to help achieve a more feminine physique, I ensured I hit every necessary target on-time that I needed to in order to qualify for surgeries, and I followed through with surgeries.

All of this took a significant toll on me, my body, my mental health, my marriage (while also dealing with numemous deployments), and I did it all publicly over social media documenting everything. The whole social media piece became too overwhelming as I amassed followers and many other trans women were looking to me for emotional support. By that point, I had moved into a new role as a counsellor in a drop-in program for teens experiencing homelessness and street-entrenchment. Working with teens throughout the day, hearing their extremely difficult stories (and at times being called transphobic slurs), and then going home and having to do it all again in a virtual format quickly became too much. I eventually needed to shut down my social media account for my own personal mental health, and since returning have adopted some strict personal boundaries about who I will engage with in my DMs and what I will tolerate.

Regarding the conversation of who has what privilege often coming up as a topic of discussion within marginalized communities, the trans community is no exception. My first time experiencing this was during the planning phase of a protest that was being held in opposition to an anti-trans guest speaker. A month or so earlier I attended a similar protest in opposition to this same speaker, and I personally felt that the actions of the trans community in that moment were not ones that represented who we were as a whole. What started off as a peaceful protest quickly escalated. There was screaming, swearing, disorderly conduct, and a lot of actions that painted our community in a bad light. Fire alarms were pulled, police were involved, etc… Overall it did not represent the loving, accepting, and inclusive community that I was familiar with and we did not win anyone over who may have been on the fence or opposed to our community; instead we only strengthened their resolve against us. When it came time to discuss the second protest, I voiced my concerns over a repeat of what happened last time and instead suggested a more peaceful protest where we could take the high road and truly demonstrate to others the peaceful and loving community that we are. Of course I know there is a time and place for more aggressive protesting (e.g. Stonewall Riots), but opposing a guest speaker is not it.

Needless to say my opinions and views were immediately shot down by others. I was attacked for having privileges they did not, and told that I was basically not 'trans enough' to have a say on the matter. So while I was not trans enough to have a say on how we as a community should band together to enact change within our society, I was trans enough to be the support person for many other trans women over social media who were struggling with societies views of them. While my views and opinions on how we may better push forward our ultimate goals as a community may differ from others, it does not mean that they are any less valid. They are not dehumanizing, discriminatory, nor do they come from a place of ignorance. We need to stop invalidating other's opinions simply because they have privilege. I also know that I am not the only trans person that feels this way. I have had many conversations over the years with other trans folks who have very similar views to my own.

I fully respect the trans community and everyone in it, regardless of whether or not we see eye-to-eye. I would never advocate for something that I think would cause harm to others, and always have the very best intentions. Whether or not others can see that is no longer something I am going to worry about though. I know who I am, I know my intentions, and I know I am not alone in these views. While I would love to be widely accepted by my own community, I may not be and that is okay. Regardless, I will always love and accept everyone within the trans community even when I do not agree with them. I know I have many privileges others do not, but I have also had many struggles others have not. I always try to use my privileges, my experiences, and my education for the betterment of my community whenever possible. Knowing that is all that I need, and I will no longer entertain the feeling of needing to apologize for the privileges I have earned.

While it is a song about a break-up, one of Kelly Clarkson's latest releases has really been hitting home lately on this very topic (the song is called Me). I overcame many of life's challenges to achieve several of the privileges I have today and I am no longer going to stress myself out over needing to make everyone happy. I am proud of everything I have overcome to be the person I am, privileges and all. I put together my broken.