Looking from the Outside In

As a trans woman, I have had the pleasure of experiencing life both as a man and as a woman, yet not fully as either. Prior to transitioning I never truly connected with the male gender, or those who identified as male. So in all my interactions with them, there was always this invisible barrier that I was never able to cross to truly get to know them or let them get to know me. Instead I would surround myself with those who identified as female. Again never really fully connecting as I was the token boy in the girl friend group.

Regardless of who I was hanging out with, my mind would constantly be analyzing every move I made, every word I spoke, even the tone in which I spoke. Was I talking with my hands too much? Was I sounding butch enough? Were my hips moving too much when I walked? A friend in high school even commented to me once, "you look like you walk with a rocket up your ass!". I was concentrating so hard on how I walked that I looked like a robot going straight down the hallway barely moving any other parts of it's body. All this overthinking was likely a combination of my own anxiety disorder and trying to deny the fact that I had this woman inside of me screaming to get out.

Even after transitioning I still struggle to connect with other women as a whole, never truly feeling like one of them. Instead feeling like I am an imposter and someone else in this room has to be thinking it too! It goes beyond this thought and extends to basically anyone in my life who knew me before I transitioned. Never truly feeling like they can completely look beyond who I was and see who I am.

Now this is where I need to make a bit of a disclaimer to any of my trans siblings reading this as well as to all those currently in my life. I have led an extremely privileged life, and I am so incredibly grateful for all the amazing support my family and friends have shown me through all my years as Adam and as Addison. My story, which I will save for another post, is not one you encounter very often within the trans community. Sure I struggled with things personally but I never lost a single family member or friend over my transition. In fact, my marriage survived the transition and even became stronger because of it. I have been fully supported from day one, and some of my closer family members have even started advocating awareness and challenging discriminatory comments or practices within their respective circles. All while being able to stay true to who they are as individuals and never having to compromise their relationships as a result. I am truly blessed to have had the experience I have had and I thank God for that every day.

Now in spite of all this support, that invisible barrier is still there! Blocking me from truly connecting with them. My guard is always up waiting for that one slip of the tongue where someone, though infrequently, accidentally uses the wrong pronoun, my deadname, or makes some other sort of misgendering comment. Now they often always catch themselves and smooth it over but it doesn't change the fact that every time that happens it's like a stab to the gut with a knife. I feel it... it hurts... and I flinch. Now I am not upset with anyone nor do I blame anyone for these slip ups. I totally get it, there are 28 years of memories there and those are not going to disappear nor should they. It is going to happen and that's that. Now the exception to this rule is of course my husband. He has never once slipped up or ever made me feel like anything other than a woman since I have transitioned. It is just the way his mind works, he was able to completely forget who I was before and only know me as who I am now... Addison. This barrier with everyone else though makes me feel like I am always going to be looking at everyone from the other side of a window, looking from he outside in. Having said that, these little slip ups are not going to stop me from loving my family fiercely, or get in the way of my wanting to see them as much as I can. It has, however, made me realize that for my own personal mental health and well-being, that I need to find myself a peer group of individuals who only know me post transition.

Having a peer group that only knows me as Addison, the memories of the old me are not there, and because I also have the privilege of being able to go stealth in the general population, new people can get to know me as a woman first before I ever disclose that I am trans. For those that do not know what "stealth" means, it means the ability of a trans person to be able to "pass" as someone whose gender identity aligns with what was assigned to them at birth (a.k.a cis-gender person).

Now please don't read into this as if I am ashamed of being trans and that is why I don't want to tell people right away. It is simply a strategic move. At some point, I always disclose that I am trans. It is not something I actively hide, and if I am ever asked up front I will never try to deny it. As I said in my last post, I am going to be unapologetically me, and a big part of who I am is that I am a proud trans woman but it is not the only or biggest part of who I am. Hopefully in meeting new people who first know me as a woman I will be able to start breaking through that barrier I created all those years ago. Maybe one day I will get to be on the other side of that window...