Guilt of Success: Unapologetically Me

As far back as I can remember, I recall always feeling guilt over my success especially when that success was greater than those around me. In grade school I quickly learned that I had an easier time getting higher grades than my friends, and eventually after we all would get our tests or assignments back I would keep quiet about my marks unless asked. Even then, I would just say "I did well". If I told them what I actually got, I would often feel shamed when they would respond with "of course you did" or "teacher's pet" always with a hint of disdain or sarcasm.

This has continued to hold true into adulthood. In multiple workplaces I have felt tension from some coworkers when my superiors would recognize my efforts or work ethic, and as a result give me additional opportunities to build on my responsibilities and even full promotions to new positions. This has often led to feeling self-conscious and guarded preventing me from fully connecting with my coworkers on a greater level than just as colleagues. At times, this has even caused complete breakdowns in professional relationships. In recent years the prevalence of this has been all too frequent, in fact it is even reinforced by my superiors themselves. Whenever there is a new discussion around added responsibilities or promotions, it is always, and I mean ALWAYS, accompanied by warnings to be careful or have awareness that there may be some hurt feelings or tension from others; even from those who may have not have had any interest in these new responsibilities or promotions themselves. Yet I was expected to monitor and sometimes even dial back my work performance.

When I started to feel guilt over my most recent promotion, I stopped myself and asked "Why?". Why should I feel guilt or shame over being rewarded for my efforts and having a good work ethic? Why do I need to monitor my success for the sake of others, especially when my success does not harm them? Am I alone in this? Am I the asshole here? All these questions really made me self-reflect on my history with feeling this way, and I realized I can't be the only the one that this happens to; so I did a little research...

Apparently guilt of success is a real issue out there for many people. Dr. Rob Maldonado on the “Debi and Dr. Rob Show” (episode 43: Shame and Guilt of Success and Transcending the Ego) explains that if we succeed, there is a natural tendency to experience guilt. This is especially true if we are trying to keep up with appearances and are concerned with what others think.

Honestly, it can all be related back to our instinctive "pack mentality". Dr. Jamie Long writes in Guilt for Success: What Happens When We Leave the Pack (thepsychologygroup.com),

"Wolves naturally organize themselves into packs. [...] On rare occasions, a wolf leaves his natal pack, becoming a lone wolf. And he does so at great cost, accepting the dangers of no longer having the protection of the other wolves, risking injury, starvation, and even death.

In a sense, humans are pack animals too. Like our wolf brethren, we thrive from social behavior, we follow leaders and adhere to our placement in a sophisticated hierarchal order. From an evolutionary perspective, one could argue that we’re influenced by instinct to remain within the confines of our pack."

Being successful makes you stand out from your peers and on occasion leave them behind altogether. In doing so, you risk losing the protection associated with that peer group, no longer being able to just blend in to the crowd. When you can no longer blend in, you leave yourself exposed and thus more vulnerable to criticism and judgment; not because you are doing anything wrong, but simply because you are more visible. The guilt that then results from breaking free from the pack is actually maladaptive and unhealthy.

When you really think about it, we have all been raised on guilt and shame. Your parents have likely used it as a parenting tool to keep you in line with the status quo, "and sometimes the status quo is middle-of-the-road, mediocrity" (Dr. Jamie Long). When we succeed by achieving greater prestige in our careers, higher paying jobs, or just added recognition we break from that status quo and essentially become "othered". Then, because we no longer conform to the group we have long been guilted or shamed into maintaining, we experience unhealthy guilt.

In realizing all this, it has really helped me to reflect on my personal circumstances and successes. It has allowed me to push that feeling of guilt aside, and just say "fuck it!". I am no longer going to to feel guilt or shame because I have tried my best. I am no longer going to feel guilt or shame because someone has recognized and rewarded me for my efforts. I pride myself on my work ethic, and I have worked my ass off to get to where I am today. I am no longer going to let what others may think of me, because of their own insecurities, tear me down. I am just going to be unapologetically me.